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[03 Apr 2006|06:58pm] |
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i didnt even put my neck out there and he still had to fucking chop it off...i dont fucking get it. i hate this shit. i didnt even want this shit and it happened and then it un-happened. why the fuck? i think im gonna just go be a prostitute or something. that would make my life better.
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[27 Mar 2006|10:42pm] |
im going to be lonely and im going to be ok with it
im a big girl right?
still coming into town this weekend...i'll just be free the entire time
so call me
and i'll be lonely
but i wont be bummy
promise
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[23 Feb 2006|03:00am] |
im a wreck
its like i cant stop thinking about my dad
i just keep wondering how i can find someone to marry who carries the recessive albinism allele so when i have children, the odds of them being albino is higher, assuming i carry the allele from my dad. its insane. im kind of going wacko. i could miss my dad and be productive, you know, like directing this shit into doing work cus my dad always said he was scared i'd continue to coast through life. but no, instead of studying for my exam, at all, or for class for the past 2 months, i've decided to research rando genetic disorders that interest me like lionitis (inspired by recent Grey's Anatomy and the movie Mask where Rocky Dennis touched everyones lives) and albinism. if im a big bum and i dont work at all, nobodys gonna marry me and the odds of having albino kids are none. ive got to get it together eventually. i mean im 20 years old now dammit. its time to stop wasting time on ridiculous shit. fuck
you know i throw more temper tantrums now then i did over the entire course of my childhood. its absurd. im absurd.
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[23 Feb 2006|02:25am] |
So here's my newest thought. By attempting to scare away every potential mate with craziness, assholiness, and commitment i will eventually find the one who is so fucking ridiculously into me that they just wont go away. So far im losing. But i'll continue to trick guys into thinking im normal until about 4 or 5 months in, and then i become crazy, just like that bitch Kate Hudson played in "how to lose a guy in 10 days". funny thing - i was shopping for a dog for adam and i and trying to figure out a "cutesy" name i could give it that was meaningful to our relationship. maybe i'll just say fuck it and name the damn think "Krull the Warrior King". im sick
also...
hygeine's not that important anymore. i decided there's nothing wrong with showering less frequently. and teethbrushing, once a day will suffice. they make floss and mouthwash for christ sake!
also...
Grey's Anatomy made me bawl. there was this guy with "lionitis" - he looked messed up but there was something about him that made me bawl the entire episode. out loud, ridiculously loud.
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[10 Jan 2006|04:33pm] |
im a big angry fatty
and this is what i decided
i refuse to give in to the 1/2 of my genes that might turn me into a self-serving lazy ass bitch
so i may be an angry hermit, but at least ill be productive
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| bitching and moaning, like i like to do all the time |
[09 Dec 2005|01:35am] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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that shitty song those bitches from Making the Band 3 sang |
] |
-so not to be a hypochondriac...but i have persistant achy lower back pain and i can't explain it whatsoever. my only connection is that i was taking antibiotics for my random unexplained knee infection about the time it started. anyone have a clue? im kind of scared.
-now that im single again, and for a while i suppose...here's the plan. wipe clean my romance/relationship related emotional baggage slate and just stay busy with not-boy-related shit. cus when i sit and think about the perfect man i know who has shoved me in the friend corner, all it makes me do is communicate with him about basketball via text messaging, hoping deep down inside that he'll call and want me to come hang out. hA! not happening and what does that do...it shoves me further and further into the friend corner. so...as i look at it...polymer is a lost cause. and i will now move on. maybe i wont meet my mate at FUrman...maybe grad school? im ok with that.
-duke plays texas saturday at 1:30...should be a super good game
-ill be attending the panthers-bucs game on sunday with my sis. can't wait.
-im now partially financially independent- well moreso than i was a week ago. this fucking sucks. i have to be all thrifty and i cant just treat myself to a pedi and a trip to the polo outlet ever few weeks or so. bullshit. know of any job openings in the greenville area? yea. thats what i thought. fuck
-conclusion ive come to: Im either way photogenic or way not photogenic...but my real appearance is somewhere inbetween the two.
-i have an exam in 7ish hours, which im totally unprepared for and im fucking sleepy. oye. i hope its easy. poop
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[21 Aug 2005|11:36pm] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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music |
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kanye-golddigger |
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-fuck the OC
-so i think im depressed. what a general term eh? i dont know. id like to think im just in a rut - but this is a big fucking rut this time. my dad had some issues with depression i think. so do some of the other relatives. i reckon its genetic. but when i think about that i just think about how much i wish i were with my dad. my mom's reaction is like "why dont you go back to Irv" or how about some medicine. i mean fuck. i miss my dad. i fucking hate this fucking fucking fucking hate this. Irv would just tell me to work on the "negative thinking" my mom tells me to "brush off" everything. i cant just brush off every fucking thing in the world. and its like just after my dad died. i hated everything and i'd get really bummed when i was alone. but i was fine around people. if not cheerful. but i hate it. and i dont care about people's feelings. im just a shitty ass person. i want to be a hermit. and then surface in like 2 years and be normal. if that would work. but i have to go to school. so what does one really do in a situation like this? other than meds and psychiatric help. i volunteer but that doesnt make me love myself. i think i need a focus. maybe that'll help. what should i focus on? ok i'll have several focuses: 1 - getting sexy. 2 - running. 3 - learning new shit on wikipedia. 4 - decorating my apartment. i'll devote my every free moment to the mastering of this shit. and i believe that will work. if not then fuck. but i have to believe it right. right. i need some inspiration. i need a role model or a soul mate or fuck i miss kellobird. kilah. father. mr. malison. why did he die? of all the fucking people in the world. the one person i've always needed and loved and related with more than anyone.
-i dont like living now. i wish i lived in the 70's. or the 20's. shit's too complicated now. and everything's such bullshit. life is bullshit now.
-im a hermit now. well acutally lunch with mel and katie tomorrow. hermit after that. hermit with focuses. 4 of em.
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| death by stereo! |
[09 Aug 2005|10:13pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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music |
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joss stone |
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-i finally got some. but not even "got some got some" just minor getting some - like making out...not even 3rd base. ha! bases. thats good. anyway. six nine australian. what do i remember from the evening: #1 he's friends with ANDREW BOGUT! hell fuckin yea. if you dont know who that is...check out Utah's bball last season. he's the man. #2 i told him "putanothershrimponthebaaaarbie" about six hundred times. anyhoo...that didnt make me un-lonely. im still lonely. at least im not being too slutty. i dont really remember what he looks like.
-I LOVE LAW AND ORDER
-oh... underrated fantastic movie of the last century: THE LOST BOYS...hotties, vampires, romance, action, sci-fi. what more could you ask for! geeze.
-sunglasses found - gold earrings with birds on them still missing. call me pronto if they show up. im going through accessory withdrawl.
-do i value shallow things too much? like a connection to Bogut or a sweet car or nice clothes? i dont pick my friends based on that. and i dont show preference to people who have stuff. so why would someone suggest that. my talk is cheap. like 10 pesos cheap. just because i worship the new M35 doesnt mean id be friends with someone just cus they have one. gosh. underrated = lisa. poop
-sometimes i wish shit would happen to me to make me unique. like crazy bad shit even. just to separate me. im boring. gotta work on that for sure.
-what's trendy...i want to get a piercing thats trendy yet classy. nose is "played out". earring check. lip,tongue,bellybutton,eyebrow nah. any suggestions?
-Blow time...oh how i adore you JD.
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| my mind is blank tonight |
[03 Aug 2005|01:24am] |
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mood |
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cranky |
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music |
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basket case - green day |
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-this sucks: eating almost an entire bagel and then noticing on the last tiny bite that there is mold...and then you wonder "how much fungi did i ingest while ignorantly enjoying the cinnamon raisin flavor?"
-i need more pictures from this summer. if anyone has any good ones for me to send to Adam...mail em my way por favor. :)
-i watched this movie today...the transporter. it was really really good. and there was one part where the transporter was being all like "i dont wanna hook up with you" and the asian chick was like "i have to repay you for your help" and then the transporter walked away and all of a sudden turned around and like jumped on her and stuff. man...that was a good scene. ooh im sad and desperate.
-i want to be called mamasita. how sexy is that? man.
-i miss furman. i cant wait to have my own apartment. i wish i had a birthday coming up. i need presents or large amounts of money that i dont feel guilty spending.
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| erroneous! - go see wedding crashers |
[31 Jul 2005|06:58pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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whitesnake - here i go again... |
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-I just spend the past 2 or so hours watching a horrible mystery/romance/crime/suspense/whatever movie and came up with one conclusion...I NEEEEEEED TO GET SOME! i mean i dont even need to get a lot, just a little would be ok with me. those cheezy romance scenes really made me - well, they just made me feel lonely. how's that?
-i swam/biked/ran a triathlon this morning. the entirety of the bike/run portions (about an hour total) i sang "here i go again on my own" - whitesnake i believe. my new number one theme song! i'm pooped, not physically though, its weird, but my bod feels fine. yes...i said bod...hahaha. anyway, i did ok - i beat my mom and that was the goal! lofty huh! so im addicted now. i want to do a triathlon every week. so im gonna keep up the training. its really quite exhilirating indeed.
-beach, this weekend...the plan: leave fort mill/cola anytime you want - thursday night or friday and drive to seabrook and then leave sunday. i cant wait guys!
-so im hungry
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misalalison's journal